Prima iubire, se uita sau nu? Options

[mausie]

Fetelor,m-am intalnit din nou cu "prima iubire" dupa 12 ani.El insurat cu copil,eu divortata dar cu o relatie stabila de 4 ani.Sentimentele s-au reaprins dar rau de tot...ce ne facvem acum?Simtim ca nu mai avem aer unul fara altul.Ce e de facut? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/crying.gif)

nu crek se uita. io am avut parte de ceva atat de frumos incat e absolut imposibil sa uit vreodata , nici la 90 de ani daca o sa apuc varsta, n-o sa uit. el a fost totu pt mine...ma rog, inca e (detaliu lipsit de importanta acum) si s-a intamplat intre noi tot ce era normal sa se intample, incluzand planuri de viitor si etc. cu toate astea, desi inca sufar, sunt sigura ca daca o sa gasesc un tip p placul meu si o sa ma iubeasca, o sa-l iubesc si eu, dar nu ca pe EL . magia aia s-a dus...

sa stii ca ai dreptate.asa am simtit si eu de la prima iubire incoace.aveam atunci 18 ani.azi am 29.nimic nu a mai fost la fel.de aceea l-am tot cautat pe el,primul.si l-am gasit .insurat+copil.dar,...culmea! ne iubim din ce in ce mai tare,parca mai tare ca atunci la 18 ani.dar ce facem cu nevasta si copilul?iata ca au aparut complicatiile!

[geoo]

mausie....m-am chinuit sa nu-mi dau cu parerea, dar te-am gasit si aici si am cedat!
sincer....eu te compatimesc RAU DE TOT!!!! si eu am trecut printr-o "prima iubire" aproape de perfectiune, s-a incheiat acum 4 ani, el traieste cu cineva de 3 ani, eu tocmai am implinit 3,8 ani cu actualul...... partea care cred ca m-a salvat de o poveste ca a ta, a fost ca eu am ramas amica FOARTE buna cu el! Ne povestim tot, si ne intelegem foarte bine! DAR nu exista sentimente de alta natura!!
Stau si ma gandesc la drama care ar fi fost daca acum eu as fi inceput sa-l vreau inapoi (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)
Doar tu poti lua hotararile cele mai bune pt tine.....crezi ca isi va parasi familia pt tine??? Crezi ca vei fi fericita sa petreci sarbatorile singura? Crezi ca te vei multumi cu cele cateva ore pe zi sau saptamana in care va pierdeti unul in altul??? MERITA?!
Inteleg ca va iubiti mult, dar daca nu exista NICI O ALTA variabila in problema......treci peste!!! Daca el vrea sa se desparta de sotie....daca tu vrei sa te desparti de actual si doar daca iubirea voastra e reala, nu doar o flacara de moment.....atunci merita sa investesti!!!
Mult succes

[angeldust]

Daca aveti rabdare sa cititi...parerea expertilor despre problema asta:

" Old flames still smolder, especially when they're early love affairs, which leave a particularly vivid mark in our minds. Reawakening such a romance can be an incendiary experience—intensely passionate and dangerous to trifle with.

The Romeo and Juliet Effect

These relationships may be so indelible, so off-the-charts intense, because they're forged in the hormonal fire of the teenage brain. True, teen romances often fizzle, and high-school sweethearts often don't stay together after the prom. "But when the lovers get older," says Kalish, "they can mine the depths of that early bond."

Those reunited with a first or early love after years are "simultaneously bombarded with the giddy, explosive, highly sexual but ephemeral chemicals of new love coupled with the profoundly satisfying, deeply relaxing chemicals of long-term love," says Kalish. "They are able to tap all that again only with the lost lover, with whom the bond was formed."

That makes sense to University of California at San Francisco School of Medicine psychiatrist Thomas Lewis, author of A General Theory of Love. "The adolescent brain is exposed to heightened levels of testosterone and progesterone, the steroid sex hormones involved in sexual intensity," he says. "There's also an increase in oxytocin, the same hormone that aids mother-and-child bonding following birth." Chemistry thus sets the stage for once-in-a-lifetime sexual intensity paired with a unique opportunity for attachment—creating a model of love that persists for life.

The idea finds support in a study conducted at the University of California at Berkeley, where Jennifer Beer, then a graduate student, analyzed the first-love stories of 303 Berkeley students. Contrary to the beliefs of many psychologists, "some of the problems you have in the romantic domain may have more to do with your first love than with your parents," says Beer, who found that participants' memories of the experience ranged from "fond" to "soul crushing." Those who remembered the experience positively were more likely to perceive their subsequent romantic attachments as secure, found Beer, now a professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis.

Another reason these relationships seem so palpable and alive for so long may be due in part to what psychologists call the "autobiographical memory bump": the unique clarity of memories forged in adolescence and the early 20s. When Duke University psychologist David Rubin tested adults for recall on topics from top news stories to important events in their own lives, he found that the richest, most vivid trove of memories were those that had formed between the ages of 10 and 30.

Dan McAdams, a narrative psychologist from Northwestern University in Illinois, has found that it is during these years that most individuals also form their core identity and sense of self—their personal mythology. The teens and 20s give birth to our personal narratives and our lifelong ideals.
A middle-aged desire to fulfill adolescent ideals and longings could be fed by the desire to find a satisfying ending to this story. It could also be a nostalgia for the glory days, or a special connection with our idealized selves, that makes a rekindled romance so tantalizing the second time around.

These explanations resonate with the ideas of Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, an expert in the evolutionary biology of human sexuality and romantic love. To explain why separation and other adversities can make the heart grow fonder, she has coined the term "frustration attraction," the idea that threats to the relationship can actually increase feelings of longing and ardor. Passionate love stimulates dopamine-producing neurons, which generate the motivation to seek out the beloved. But if the lover is absent, those brain cells prolong their activities, Fisher hypothesizes in her book Why We Love. "As the adored one slips away, the very chemicals that contribute to feelings of romance grow even more potent, intensifying ardent passion and impelling us to try with all our strength to secure our reward, the departing loved one," she writes.

Collateral Damage

Lost-love reunions may linger in limbo—or they may destroy marriages. "The true victims are the spouses who never saw it coming," Kalish says. Indeed, of the more than 1,600 lost-love reunions she studied during 2004 and 2005, some 62 percent involved extramarital affairs (as opposed to 30 percent in the years before).

Most spouses don't realize the risk when a partner announces that first e-mail from an old high-school friend, says Kalish, but if the friend is of the opposite sex, alarm bells should go off. Likewise, she says, "if you're married, think long and hard before contacting that first love. Your life may be forever changed."

Benjamin L. Stone should know. Almost ready to retire, the Florida attorney was enjoying life with his wife of 27 years, "a very smart, very attractive woman." A good friend had died of cancer, and out in California for the funeral, Stone's wife met her old flame, someone she'd dated from the time that she was 14 until the age of 17. After the service, hanging out in Malibu—"think of the tides, think sunset," says Stone—it took them all of five minutes to reenter the "zone" and get reinvolved. "When she came back two days later, nothing was the same." She announced that she wanted an apartment of her own.

Stone eventually found them together—in bed. Deeply in love with his wife, he told her to say good-bye to her lover and come home. "I thought we could fix this," he says. But he was wrong. "The counselors we consulted said our marriage was excellent. We had been loyal, we were best friends, our sex was great," but neither they nor Stone had factored in the power of lost-and-found love. "It's as if she was hypnotized," says Stone. "They communicated constantly by e-mail, text message. She's a very intelligent woman, but when it comes to him, it's as if she's in a trance."

They are now divorced. His wife's lover remains married and has kept the affair a secret from his own wife. Emotionally hooked to her lover, Stone's wife now takes his calls and responds to all his e-mails in the privacy of her own apartment, without interference—but at the periphery of his marriage and life.

Many say they want closure, but closure is a myth, says Kalish. "The old feelings come back. Married people who want to keep their marriages should understand this before they search for a lost love and get in over their heads. Once these relationships take off, they aren't fantasies, nostalgia or midlife crises. They are loves that were interrupted, and the urge to give them another chance is very strong."

Back to the Future

For those free to pursue a lost-and-found love without hurting others, however, the rewards can be intense. TV host Donna Hanover, former wife of New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, was recovering from a bitter public divorce when she heard from Ed Oster, her high-school sweetheart and college love. Oster had dumped her during her freshman year of college, but had come to regret his choice.

Their first day together after the passage of years was magical. "He was a little older but no less handsome or thrilling," Hanover wrote in her memoir. "In fact he still looked young to me—an improved version of his former wonderful self, complete with new wisdom and compassion."

The two seized the opportunity, and like so many others, were transported by their rediscovered love. "I was seeing him through young eyes, and I liked how that made me feel. As quickly as you could say 'Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back,' we decided to take full advantage of a second chance together—a veritable miracle in both of our lives."
"

Sursa : Psychology Today



Later Edit: Am unit eu cele doua topicuri, avand in vedere ca trateaza aproximativ aceeasi problema.

[kalua]

mausie, te rog sa nu deschizi acelasi subiect pe mai multe topicuri.

[splendora]

mausie, geoo....mai bine nu mai citesc ce ati scris...ma ia cu plans. nu vreau sa ajung asa prefer sa-mi pun un val pe ochi sa ma prefac ca totu e asa cum trebuie sa fie, nu am de gand sa raman cu sechele din cauza lui, sa-mi distrug o viitoare relatie, poate stabila, din motivu asta. s-a terminat cu un scop in viata asta, daca e sa mai fie ceva, o sa fie, daca nu, ma impac cu ideea. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mad.gif)

[geoo]

splendora, eu una m-am ferit de reizbucnirea unui incendiu, nu se pune sub nici o forma problema desi despartirea a fost in coada de peste, am preferat sa trec peste!!! Inca am ramas la parerea ca ce a fost a fost si prefer sa am un amic foarte bun, decat o dragoste care ar da peste cap atatea vieti + ca sunt de parere ca daca nu e sa fie....nu E!!! Iar daca era sa fie.....AR FI FOST!!
Dar resubliniez faptul ca asta e doar parerea mea......si situatia mea......

acum ma pun pe citit la ce a postat angel (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

later edit: deci cum spuneam, totul sta in puterea ta!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/closedeyes.gif)

[BONIT@]

Salut!!As vrea sa-mi dati un sfat la ceea ce simt shi nushtiu ce sa fac!!!
Acum 1,5 an in urma am facut cunoshtintza cu un baiat hmmmmm a fost o simpla coincidentza,mi-a placut la 1 prima vedere,apoi am inceput sa ne intilnim sa ne vedem in fiecare zi,hmmmm era foarte frumos,eram cea mai fericita pina intr-o zi...........inainte de anul nou.......a plecat la tzara fara sa ne vedem,m-a sunat in dimianitza ceea sa-mi spune ca pleaca shi sa ne vedem ,dar eu dormiam shi nu am auzit telefonul.Au trecut zilele,anul,apoi cind s-a intors de la tzara nu avea curajul sa se intilneasca,nu dorea....hmmmmmshi totushi intr-o zi ni-am revazut.....ii era rushine sa ma priveasca in ochi....eu ii spuneam ca poate inceracam inca odata ,ca tzin la el foarte mult.........dar el nu dorea ,zicea ca nu ma poate sa fac sa sufer din nou,ca lasa timpul va arata.....shi iacta a trecut aproape 1 an........shi tot la el ma ghindesc.de atunci nu ni-am mai vazut....doar l-am felicitat cu ziua lui,shi a spus ca cind vine de la tzara numai decit ne vom revedea.
Hmmmm sincer nushtiu ce sa ma fac ...caci ma intilnesc cu un baiat care tzine foarte mult la mine,shi cu care ma simt shi eu foarte bine...deja merge vorba de nunta la noi..ca la anul sa ne casatorim........dar nsuhtiu ce sa fac caci tot la acela ma ghindesc...........Ajutati-ma ce sa fac????????Ma doare sufletul cind ma ghindesc ca nu mai pot fi cu el!!!!!!!!il iubesc enorm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AJUTATI-MA,da-ti-mi un sfat !!!!!!!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/magindesc.gif)

[angeldust]

Hmmm...eu nu am prea inteles ce ai scris tu acolo..hmmm, dar am mutat topicul aici pentru ca tema e aceeasi.

[fleurdelis]

Prima mea iubire a fost iubirea pura! Cred ca eu am iubit mai mult ideea in sine si am incercat sa o pun intr-o lumina aparte..Iubirea pura... iubirea pura insa nu exista! Am fost o idealista si imi doream sa traiasc o iubire numai a mea, o iubire ideala, o iubire deosebita si daca s-ar putea sa fie pentru totdeauna..dar gandindu-ma la cat de mult visam si cat de altfel a fost realitatea..imi dau seama ca adevaratele iubiri sunt rare, daca nu chiar imposibil..de atins. Iubirea e un sentiment trait diferit de la un om la altul...este o stare sublima dar precum un foc...se stinge sau isi diminueaza din intensitate..cu vremea. Iubirea e un sentiment aparte, trait mereu, in alte forme si cu alti oameni....Daca intr-adevar ar exista o iubire pura..nu ar fi specifica oamenilor....oamenii nu pot iubi pur, atata timp cat ei nu sunt demni de aceasta puritate..
Prin urmare prima mea dragoste a fost iubire pura dar a fost doar o iluzie...totusi datorita acestei iluzi am descoperit prima data ca sint frumoasa cu florile ciresilor pe care mi-i scutura in plete si apoi ma ruga sa stau nemiscata ca sa ma admire, durerea mugurilor care plesnesc sa infloreasca, si fericirea parfumului teilor infloriti sub care ne sarutam pina ameteam.
Un Zburator cu ochi de caine credincios, a fost cel care m-a alintat si mi-a daruit clipe de fericire, dar el nu a existat decit in imaginatia mea.

[anne_06]

ce parere aveti fetelor? prima iubire, primul sarut etc va mai trezesc amintiri sau sunt de mult uitate? poti sa mai iubesti ca prima data? sau odata cu trecerea anilor si iubirea e alta mai asezata, mai rationala... stiti voi ce vreau sa zic.... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) TIME HEALS EVERYTHING!

Stai linistita! Prima iubire se uita! Pentru ca vin altele mult mai mai intense. Mai tarziu vei iubi cu alta forta si totul se va sterge!
Vor ramane cateva amintiri care te vor face sa zambesti! In schimb, marea iubire nu se uita si... marea iubire, in general, nu este prima