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 Apr 5 2006, 10:09 AM
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#401
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Incurabil  Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 1,498 Joined: 9-December 05 From: Bucuresti Member No.: 54  |
Super tare Ala (IMG:http://www.elady.ro/forums/style_emoticons/default/322.gif) (IMG:http://www.elady.ro/forums/style_emoticons/default/morderis.gif)
Intr-un tren doi ardeleni si un negru: - Bre, da tu nu esti de aici. - Da, tatal meu este din Africa, dar mama mea este de aici. - Pai cum? - Pai tata a fost odata pe aici si a vazut-o pe mama si a inceput sa alerge dupa ea si a alergat si a alergat, si a alergat...si asa m-am nascut eu! Dupa vreo 5 minute ardelenii aveau o nelamurire: - Mai dar stii ce ne intrebam noi : O fi prins-o pe maica-ta? Ion si Gheo se intalnesc in padure. Gheo ducea in brate un dihor viu. Ion: -Ma, Gheo, ce faci,ma, cu dihorul? Gheo: -Apai, ma, la iarna, cand o fi frig, il pun la picioare sa-mi fie cald. Ion: -Ma, da pute, ma! Gheo: -No, las, ca se obisnuieste el! Un ardelean urca in tren intra in compartiment. In compartiment un oltean care se ospata cu de toate: slana, carnati, caltabos, vin etc. Ardeleanul pofticios incearca sa se bage in seama: - Pe mine ma cheam Ion. Nici un raspuns. - Pe mine ma cheama Ion. Tot nici un raspuns. - Pe mine ma cheama Ion. - Pai daca te cheama, du-te ma, nu-l mai lasa sa astepte!! Se face concurs de prins melci la care participa un oltean, un moldovean si un ardelean. La sfarsitul concursului olteanu are o plasa plina, moldoveanu jumate iar ardeleanu Nici Unu. Juriul il intreaba: - Mai Ghitza, cum de n-ai prins tu nici un melc? - Poi io am vast multi melci, da cand sa pun mana pe el, melcu' tzushti... in tufish |
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Apr 5 2006, 03:06 PM
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#402
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V.I.P. Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 4,450 Joined: 9-December 05 From: In livada Member No.: 51 |
Cele 3 tragedii din viata unui barbat:
o Life sucks o Job sucks o Wife doesn't |
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Apr 6 2006, 10:34 AM
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#403
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V.I.P. Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 4,450 Joined: 9-December 05 From: In livada Member No.: 51 |
Sotia se pregateste sa prajeasca un ou ochi, cind tocmai se intoarce sotul acasa si incepe sa tipe:
- "Atentie!!! Atentie!!! Mai mult ulei!!! Aven nevoie de mai mult ulei!!! O sa se arda!!! Atentie!!! Intoarce-l, intoarce-l, intoarce-l!!! Hai!!! Atentie!!! Ai innebunit? Uleiul o sa se termine!!! O, Doamne Dumnezeule, sarea!!! Nu uita sarea!!!" Sotia, deja enervata la culme de tipetele sotului, il intreaba: -"De ce tipi asa? Crezi ca nu sint in stare sa prajesc un ou???" Barbatul raspunde foarte calm: -"Asta ca sa-ti faci o idee de cum ma simt eu cind conduc masina si tu stai linga mine..." |
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Apr 6 2006, 10:39 AM
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#404
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--- Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 5,601 Joined: 8-December 05 Member No.: 28 |
(IMG:http://www.elady.ro/forums/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
________ what will they think of next? (IMG:http://www.elady.ro/forums/style_emoticons/default/lazy.gif) La portile raiului O batranica moare si ajunge la portile raiului, unde se intalneste cu Sf. Petru, cand deodata se aude un urlet groaznic venind dinspre rai. -Vai de mine, ce se intampla acolo ? -Aaaa, nu va faceti griji pentru asta, gaurim omoplatii cuiva ca sa-i punem aripile de inger! Batranica, vadit speriata de urletu auzit, se da un pas inapoi... cand deodata se aude inca un urlet, chiar mai infiorator decat primul. -Vai de mine, dar asta ce a mai fost? -O nimica toata, gaurim capul cuiva ca sa-i montam aureola de inger! Dand din cap in semn de dezaprobare, batranica spune: -Eu nu pot sa fac asta, mai bine ma duc jos in iad! -Nu, nu, nu puteti face asa ceva, veti fi violata, sodomizata! -Da, dar macar am deja gaurile facute... |
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Apr 6 2006, 02:53 PM
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#405
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Membru de Onoare Group: Editorialist Posts: 3,877 Joined: 9-December 05 From: Here and There Member No.: 70 |
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Apr 7 2006, 11:02 AM
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#406
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V.I.P. Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 8,980 Joined: 12-January 06 From: Six feet from the edge Member No.: 146 |
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lyingto me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." |
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Apr 7 2006, 11:42 AM
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#407
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--- Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 5,601 Joined: 8-December 05 Member No.: 28 |
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Apr 11 2006, 08:37 AM
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#408
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V.I.P. Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 8,980 Joined: 12-January 06 From: Six feet from the edge Member No.: 146 |
Bucurestenii anonimi
de Iulius Constantinescu Ma duc pana la un amic. Desi sta aproape, iau si masina, s-o spal in drum. Urmariti-ma, va rog, urmatoarele minute. Aproape de spalatorie,intru pe o straduta neasfaltata. In mijlocul drumului, e parcata o masina mare si scumpa (cand am spus in mijlocul strazii, nu m-am referit la faptul ca nu era parcata aproape de rotuar - era literalmente in mijlocul drumului). Claxonez, dar proprietarul masinii nu catadicseste sa apara. In cele din urma, ma strecor incet prin stanga. Aproape trecusem, cand omul apare linistit, trece prin fata mea si da sa se suie in masina. Cum nu mai avea loc sa deschida portiera, incepe sa gesticuleze, extrem de iritat de faptul ca sunt un nesimtit si nu ma dau inapoi, sa plece el. Intrucat gesticula, il lovesc cu masina peste mana. Apuca sa-mi dea un pumn in geam, dupa care il vad in oglinda ca fuge dupa mine. N-am oprit, mi-a fost de ajuns ca l-am vazut ca alearga sa-si ceara scuze. La spalatorie, ii las baiatului un bacsis echivalent cu o treime din cat am platit la casierie pentru spalatul masinii. Plec spre amic. La primul semafor, incepe sa ploua. Mizeria de pe plafon incepe sa se scurga incet pe parbriz. Ajung la amic si parchez undeva in strada. N-apuc sa opresc motorul, ca In dreptul meu opreste o masina rosie. Tipul lasa geamul jos si-mi comunica faptul ca m-am pus pe locul lui. Desi e in strada si, prin urmare, nu poate fi vorba de nici o parcare, imi fac datoria si-l intreb: "Ati platit locul asta?". Tipul se uita la mine intr-o dunga si spune: "Dom'ne, te-am rugat frumos". Asta asa e, cand o sa-mi dea niste bocanci in gura o sa fie perfect indreptatit sa-mi reproseze: "De ce nu ti-ai luat, ma, masina? Nu te-am rugat frumos, ma, tu-ti pastele ma-tii?". Ma mut. Ajung la amic. N-am iesit din casa decat de 30 de minute si am vrut deja sa impusc un om, sa-i dau doua palme altuia si sa-l dau cu capul de bordura pe un al treilea. Ar trebui sa ma duc la un psiholog. P.S. Ma intreb daca nu exista cumva organizatia "Bucurestenii Anonimi", ca m-as duce si eu. "Buna, sunt Julius si, de 5 ani, sunt bucurestean". "Buna, Julius", ar trebui sa-mi raspunda corul. Dupa care moderatorul, ca sa-mi mai ridice moralul, l-ar ruga pe Andrei sa-mi povesteasca experienta lui. "Buna, Julius. Eu sunt Andrei si, inainte, eram si eu bucurestean. Acum, de cand sunt berlinez, sunt mult mai calm". |
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Apr 11 2006, 12:34 PM
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#409
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V.I.P. Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 8,980 Joined: 12-January 06 From: Six feet from the edge Member No.: 146 |
This crazy language....
English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. |
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Apr 11 2006, 01:24 PM
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#410
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Incurabil Group: Membru de Onoare Posts: 1,334 Joined: 13-December 05 From: D Street Member No.: 96 |
Suna soneria. Sotia disperata se roaga:
- Doamne fa sa dispara amantul, iar sotul sa nu stie nimic. La care un glas din inalturile cerului spune: - Bine, fie...te scap... dar cand o sa mori o sa ti se traga de la apa. Sotia a fost bucuroasa ca a scapat de amant, gandindu-se ca in ceea ce priveste apa...va avea grija si se va feri. Peste un timp apare o oferta de nerefuzat pentru o croaziera pe mare, impreuna cu toate prietenele ei. Se duce femeia in excursie, cand deodata incepe o furtuna. Femeia iar se roaga: - Doamne, stiu ca mi-ai spus ca o sa mor din cauza apei...dar acum,gandeste-te...sunt atatia oameni nevinovati...pentru mine o sa omori toti oamenii de pe acest vas? La care glasul raspunde: - De-ai sti de cati ani ma chinui sa va adun pe toate la un loc... |
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