Bancuri, anecdote, glume, etc Options

[walpurgik]

Ce tare! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[buburuzazuza]

Intrebare la Radio Erevan:
I: Cum trebuie sa fie o femeie serioasa?
R: Femeia serioasa trebuie sa aiba sotz si amant.
I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie adultera.
R: Femeia adultera are sotz si mai multi amantzi.
I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie usoara.
R: Femeia usoara are doar amantzi.
I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie pierduta.
R: Femeia pierduta n-are nici sotz, nici amant.
I: Credeam ca aia e o femeie singura.
R: Femeia singura e aia care are numai sotz...

[angeldust]

Small child, trying a Sprite: I don't like it.
Dad: If you don't like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I've heard that one before.

[walpurgik]

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

Put Your Garbage Can on Your Desk and Label it "In".

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ÒFor Smuggling Diamonds".

Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

Don't use any punctuation.

As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

Sing Along At The Opera.

Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Stand on a freeway overpass with a fishing pole hanging over the edge.

^^^^^
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, Former NFL football quarterback


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Former VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

7 Reasons Not to Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

***********************************************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

***********************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

***********************************************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

***********************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

***********************************************

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

***********************************************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The patient refused an autopsy.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Healthy-appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Kids In Church
3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name, Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.

She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door?

They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Ala80]

A inceput in sfarsit sezonul de gratare si este prin urmare important sa ne
aducem aminte cateva puncte cu privire la regulile gatitului, pentru ca
acesta este singurul gatit, pe care il intreprind barbatii adevarati,
deoarece de asta este legat intotdeauna o anumita doza de pericol.
Cand un barbat se declara pregatit sa preia prepararea gratarului, se
declanseaza urmatoarea serie de evenimente:

1) femeia cumpara mancarea

2) femeia face salata, pregateste legumele si desertul

3) femeia pregateste carnea pentru gratar, o aseaza pe o tava, impreuna cu
toate celelalte ustensile necesare si o duce afara, unde barbatul sta deja
asezat cu o bere in mana in fata gratarului

Si aici vine punctul cel mai important al intregii desfasurari:

4) BARBATUL ASEAZA CARNEA PE GRATAR!

5) apoi mai multe activitati de rutina, femeia aduce farfuriile si
tacamurile afara

6) femeia informeaza barbatul, ca carnea mai are putin si se arde

7) el ii multumeste pentru aceasta informatie importanta si mai comanda
totodata inca o bere la ea, in timp ce el se ocupa de situatia de urgenta

Si apoi inca un punct foarte important!

8) BARBATUL IA CARNEA DE PE GRATAR SI O DA FEMEII!

9) apoi urmeaza din nou rutina. Femeia aranjeaza farfuriile, salata, painea,
tacamurile, servetelele si sosurile si aduce totul afara pe masa.

10) Dupa masa femeia elibereaza masa, o curata, spala vasele

Si din nou, foarte important!!!:

11) TOTI IL LAUDA PE BARBAT PENTRU CALITATILE LUI IN ARTA GATITULUI SI II
MULTUMESC PENTRU MANCAREA SUPER BUNA!

12) Barbatul o intreaba pe femeie cum i-a placut faptul ca nu a fost
nevoita sa gateasca si cand observa ca ea e cam botoasa, ajunge la concluzia, ca pe femei nu le poti satisface
oricum niciodata.

[buburuzazuza]

beton ! super adevarat ! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) )

[Diana.]

. Doctore, ma chinuie ingrozitor coloana. (Constantin Brancusi)

Posteritatea va crede ca am avut un singur ou. (Columb)

Prefer rima imbratisata. (Veronica Micle)

Femeile cu picioare lungi, sunt cele mai bune la pat. (Procust)

Duc o viata regulata; ma culc la sapte, ma scol la sapte. (Alba ca Zapada)

Femeia model trebuie sa fie tanara. (Corneliu Baba)

A fost nunta cu dar, dar nu cine stie ce! (Zamfira)

N-aveti, cumva, un foc? (Nero)

Si totusi, se invarteste! (Galileo Galilei la un chef)

Suntem rude dar foarte indepartate (Fratii Grimm)

Eu sunt o exceptie: mi-am facut carul vara. (Nicolae Grigorescu)

De cand cu politica, am tras poezia pe linie moarta. [A.(carul) Paunescu]

Justitia noastra este bolnava. (un doctor in drept)

Am fost corigent la zoologie si literatura. (La Fontaine)

Am oscilat intre Scoala Ardeleana si Scoala Militara. (Petru Maior)

Aria cercului se bucura de o celebritate nemeritata. (GiuseppeVerdi)

Noi vrem pamant! (un extraterestru)

Nu intrati in marile complexe cu sotia. (Freud)

Am picat la tanc! (Aurel Vlaicu)

Tabloul lui Repin este lipsit de simboluri. (Mendeleev)

Intr-un triunghi conjugal, ipotenuza este iubita la patrat.(Pitagora)

Cand pun mana pe un roman bun, nu-l las pana nu-l termin.(Cleopatra)

Cartea mea de capatai este "Dupa douazeci de ani". (Silviu Brucan)

Ma duc sa ma caut. (Fiul ratacitor)

Astept Ziua Recunostintei. (Penes Curcanul)

Ce mica-i lumea! (Gulliver in tara piticilor)

Nu-mi fac planuri de viitor. (Nostradamus)

Toti oamenii de valoare au zburat din Romania . (Henri Coanda)

De fapt, la tara eu n-am vara, ci un var. (George Toparceanu)

Vrem sa ne pastram limba si portul. (un constantean - R Mazare)

Ca orice om, am fost si eu la stramtoare. (Magellan)

Marile cuceriri le-am facut in moteluri. (Gingis-Han)

Eu stau, tu stai, el sta. (Imnul de stat)

Ostenii mei, astazi avem exercitii de tragere. (Vlad Tepes)

Americanii s-au obisnuit cu insula in coasta. (Fidel Castro )

Am ajuns in America pentru ca m-a trimis nevasta dupa cartofi. (Cristofor Columb)

Forma mea de protest este demonstratia. (Pitagora)

Nu sunt de acord cu femeile care isi spioneaza barbatii. (Mata-Hari)

[Diana.]

Oricat de frumoasa si de dulce ar fi o femeie, exista
cel putin un barbat pe lumea asta care s-a saturat de
ea.
Anonim

Intuitia feminina este rezultatul a milioane de ani in
care femeile nu au gandit.
Rupert Hughes

Chiar daca barbatii ar putea sa inteleaga femeile, tot
nu le-ar veni sa creada.
AW Brown

Initial a fost o lume a barbatilor. Apoi, a aparut
Eva.
Richard Armour

Un misogin este un barbat care uraste femeile la fel
de mult pe cat se urasc ele intre ele.
HL Mencken

O femeie care iti spune varsta reala este fie prea
tanara pentru a avea ceva de pierdut, fie prea batrana
pentru a avea ceva de castigat din asta.
Proverb chinezesc

Mai degraba as putea sa impac intreaga Europa, decat
doua femei.
Ludovic al XIV-lea

Atata timp cat o femeie poate sa arate cu 10 ani mai
tanara decat fiica ei, ea este perfect multumita.
Oscar Wilde

In spatele oricarui barbat de succes, se afla o
femeie, iar in spatele ei se afla sotia barbatului.
Groucho Marx

Nu am mai vorbit cu nevasta mea de ani de zile. Nu am
vrut sa o intrerup.
Rodney Dangerfield

Am avut ghinion in ambele casnicii. Prima nevasta m-a
parasit iar a doua nu m-a parasit.
Patrick Murray

Unul dintre cele mai dificile lucruri este sa convingi
o femeie ca pana si chilipirurile costa.
Edgar Watson Howe

Nevasta mea este un obiect sexual. De fiecare data
cand cer sex, ea obiecteaza.
Les Dawson

Un psihiatru este o persoana care iti pune multe
intrebari contra cost, intrebari pe care nevasta le
pune pe gratis.
Joey Adams

O femeie stie ca poarta rochia potrivita atunci cand
barbatul ei vrea sa i-o dea jos.
Robert Paul

Cele mai multe femei isi propun sa schimbe un barbat,
dar in momentul in care il schimba, nu-l mai plac.
Marlene Dietrich

Femeile ne-au facut sa pierdem Raiul, dar il regasim
de multe ori in bratele lor.
De Finod

Daca iubirea este raspunsul, puteti sa repetati
intrebarea?
Lily Tomlin

[asgaard]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Diana.]

Un bărbat se însoară şi o duce pe soţie
să-şi cunoască soacra. Când intră în casă, soacra îi zice femeii:
- Când o să îmi leg eu năframa pe partea stângă, atunci sunt calmă, poţi să vorbeşti cu mine, să discuţi. Când mi-oi lega năframa pe partea dreaptă, atunci sunt nervoasă, n-o să poţi vorbi orice cu mine, dar când o să mă vezi cu năframa legată la spate, apăi îi foc şi pară, să pleci, să nu te văd în faţa ochilor mei că nu ştiu dacă mai pleci zdravănă.
La care femeia:
- Ia, fii atentă aci, mamă soacră! Când mă vei vedea tu pe mine cu cafeaua în faţă, cu fusta scurtă şi cu ţigara între degete, atunci să ştii că mă doare-n cot de cum îţi vei lega tu năframa.